Again I’m here trying to confide with myself, working about as good as it sounds. Between the hate and self pity it’s astonishing when you stop to think where your time’s gone; out the window. At least the New Year gonna bring about changes, changes I need badly. I’ve lost enough these past few years between family and friends, it’s scary. Even the time waking from a surgery and hearing how you nearly bled out under the gas, not reassuring. A death week of Christmas always sets the mood, just to were everyone’s solem and broken. If there’s a God in all this I hope he can let me have what little bit I can save from all of this. I know time doesn’t stop for no one but goddamn it shouldn’t have to be like this at all!! Everything is coming apart, and I can’t fix it, I’m just not that strong…

I’m tired of hurting, not physically anymore at least no more them damn stents, ugh… buddy what are we gonna do? The same we always have now, just for another year. Honestly this natural process is taking too long. Here’s hoping to catch some sort of sleep, I’d like that much, maybe dream of someplace far away from here, just anywhere but here …

Why do I feel like this? Like a joke, like I wasn’t supposed to find out things this way. All I do know is I wish things could change so much. Between working both my jobs and returning to better health I’m still not okay, I don’t know why get this way either but maybe I should just accept how reality is gonna be and keep going with it.

Too stressed and upset with anything anymore. Honestly where I wish had comfort I cannot find it, and it’s aggravating to no end. Sadly back to kissing a bottle of booze because that’s about as best I can ease these feelings. I shouldn’t with how much I’ve had going in my lower half, but I’m done with stress and my own disappointment with myself. If anything can come from this night I was happy to see the stars again, I know that’s about the one thing I can enjoy at all anymore, just too much for my mind, heart and body can handle right now.

In a dark corner of heart, I’ve still got some hope but with all that’s been going on, just hard to be how folks put it ‘optimistic’ and here I am keeping conversations with myself as if that isn’t pathetic enough. Suck it up Derek, life’s thrown this shit at you constantly and still wallow through it all. Oh well enough of the piss poor shit, finish this drink and get this shit feelings away.

What happens when you lie over and over to yourself? Do you start to believe it? Do you accept the truth or do you find anyway around it?

I wish I knew I really do, health wise I am better no more surgeries, no more stents, no more pain which is good, but being back to working nearly non stop and fighting with family that barely had anytime themselves to even really help. I am crying to myself and stress is at the highest it can be right now.

With those that I try to hold close now I feel more like a thorn in the side than a ‘friend’. I just wish things change before snow flies I’m aiming to move again if possible into new place if it isn’t taken out beneath my feet, but with my luck I’ve probably lost it by now.

Hopefully this is enough out of me, I hate spending an afternoon thinking of how dumb I look/feel half the time when I do try for anything at all. Another note unfortunately breaking a ‘dry spell’ as I’d rather not think anymore of this day, here’s hoping tomorrows hold something better 🥃

Finally gotten that surgery been needing, in a sense I do feel better with no tube in the back or collection bag around my leg, yet my body is still fighting and Hurting. I was told to stay 6-8 weeks from work I already cut myself back when I had the damn tube in me so why do I gotta stop it all now? Other than doctors orders, I’m losing my
I don’t not being able to take few steps without something acting up or if I go too much trying to walk, I wake up in middle of night to my gut screaming with pain.

On top of it all it’s the fourth I’ve had friends I’ve not heard form long time asking me to go the lake or come party, it’s miserable when you have to explain you can’t do anything like that right now. Couple of them off’d me over it being ‘an excuse’
If I could go out and do things I wouldn’t have an overgrown yard or bills stacking up to amounts I don’t even want to look at, but I’ll stay here and lick my wounds until this clears up and I’m praying I don’t need another doctors visit for a few years.

Just tired of feeling helpless, lost and hurting. Was really hoping to have a good time this evening but can’t even take trip up to lake for community fireworks as it’s been canceled. Birthday is two weeks away and what will I be doing then? Being weak and miserable ? I hope not but time sure isn’t fun watching day go by or finally getting the pain to subside enough to pass out. Happy Fourth to any of the fellow Americans here let’s hope for the better rest of this year.🇺🇸

When is it gonna get better? When am I gonna get better? I seem to ask myself that too much, and I’ve still yet to find anything close to an answer.. In a sick way I really want to be done, I am tired of struggling and now my health is taking another nose dive.

Last summer had kidney stone block me up, hurt like horrid toothache. Stones diagnosed, blasted and passed. Forward two more weeks then infection of the kidney even with antibiotics, no clues as to why as I’ve changed my fiery and lost thirty pounds over this winter. Come to the time now again with my left ureter strictured (or closed up) the hospitals closest to me couldn’t perform the surgery, So gone down on 2-3 he drive to cities. Nephrostomy tube now hangs out my back another week without work and the bills keep adding up but no answers in sight.

I’ve struggled enough to get this far two jobs, car, and the loss of my Own space again this last year. I’d like to know when it will be fixed or better, I’m tired of hurting on top of the stress and struggling of just living, not gonna off myself but man do I wish was someone else right now, successful, happy, and the feeling of comfort. Just more time now to see where the next surgery will take me, if I get to care a piss bag for rest of my days or will it be repaired, time will tell, just needs to hurry up.

Just holding onto what little hope I have left for myself and things just get more bleak everyday, I wanna be happy and something of my old self again. Not this groaning and pathetic excuse of getting better everyday.

Back to the doctors, don’t know what I can do but my body cannot deal with this stress anymore. Mornings filled with nausea and vomiting and nights with pain that goes from my back through
My abdomen, praying to god something can be figured out soon.

I’m so tired of this, it’s one thing to be sick and have it pass but this it’s too serious now just can’t handle myself.

Why do I feel like bother at times more than a friend? I recently called an old buddy up to ask how he was doing, seems like they didn’t keep my number and well wasn’t really ‘happy’ surprised sounding, okay I guess (?) not long chat was trying to see if they wanted to help me itch some work but it seems everyone has their own things going on, in a way I wish I had more friends about this rinky dink town.

Two more weeks and getting to find out what will happen with my left kidney, I feel better having the stent gone and such, but after the work day my side still hurts badly at times not sure if is more problems developing or just me going to far with physical movement. I’ve lost 30 or so pounds during all of this last 3 months, I’m just wanting to feel okay, and not worrisome about what could or might be happening.

Often enough I just ramble to myself here to keep my sanity, I am happy to see others work here as I don’t really have much to contribute, let alone not drawing in so long or having any effort after the day. Just another day in paradise putting it nicely, let’s hope I am home before 12 tonight, you got this Derek, just have to keep going. Can’t stop now especially with the world holding out hands for money and such. One day this will change I really hope it can, I wouldn’t put
Myself through anymore of this hell if i didn’t believe that.

Let’s just get this done man, tomorrow gonna be here before we know it

Feeling like all the worst today, every time turn breath, move interact just not working. Here’s hoping tonight gets over with quick come Wensday having this stent pulled so much fun.

Let’s hope things can change I really don’t need anymore troubles or bills I am at limit for both can’t do much more of this struggling alone I felt I’ve been lied to since coming of age. Here’s hoping work takes me otherwise in danger of losing home yet again so stupid hoping things can change even with hard work, ohh it just needs to be done

Even getting the vaccine and such still seem to be lucky enough to catch it. Now missing out or more work and less pay.

I’ve no more reserves funds as of now my landlord is giving me extra time Bless her soul, but damn I want to be done getting sickly. First the stone end of summer, then the infection lasting til Xmas and now this garbage I’m so done with shit I just want to Be done with sore aching ughh no fun

I wish I could be left alone, I’m so sick of shit that’s been going on as of late. Can’t seem to have the time for myself up until evening. Work is a crock I’m tired of playing hooky and covering for these kids that supposedly need money but don’t wanna work.

On top of what feels like constant stress my family seems to rely on me now more than ever with their day to day problems. Let them know
That for sure this afternoon, but it shouldn’t have to come Across that way I’m just stuck whether looking left or right there ain’t a way out, not yet.

Here’s to hoping I can do what I’ve promised to some folks and hopefully my health can stay good, come Wednesday I’ve this stent yanked out I’m sure I’m gonna enjoy that all since it’s nearly the only time someone is touching me ((bad joke)

In any sense I’m tired of it all still I just want my space back my time, for me I don’t want this kind of living anymore at all

Recently been having health troubles, surgery yesterday on my kidneys revealed that somehow grew over ureter, too sore and tired to remember it all just too long of
Time to wait for The surgery and well I’m hoping this is end of it all, very tired of being sickly, weak and irritable. If anything just hoping this new year brings better things. Merry Xmas anyone

Better off keeping to myself, I shouldn’t even done what I had to begin but what do you do when it’s late and trying to find some sort of comfort.

Sometimes I wish I could go back so far back, I was told keeping journals helps in some sort of ridiculous way I feel like I find myself just having bad memories. With what’s happening with life now things could be better yes, but they seem so futile in the long run. Here’s to hoping tomorrow comes with better outcome. Bottoms up