When you lay in your bed, thoughts racing in your head; the time slips by tick tock tick. You start to imagine everything that could've been, can be, will be, can't be- hell even some things you didn't think you could think. Thought after thought you look around the room, going through memories locked in your brain, wishing for slumber, no more pain. You get up and you yawn, tail not as bushy and eyes not as bright as the morning comes coming over the edge of your window. Fuck, it's that time already? Whatever, no worries. Cigarettes can cure even the darkest of memories; at least you believe a false little lie you keep saying is truth. Sleep is a portal to a place you don't want to be. Sleep is comfort. Sleep is security. Right?

You open the window, eyes don't adjust to the dim, rising light of a new morning, sleepless night; but what else is new as you sit on the edge, exhaling smoke into the cold- judging wind. Past conversations just keep piling up in that area of brain you can't seem to shut off. That awkward moment, a pleasant night in, a fight with a loved one, the quick silence within. No one awake and no one around. You just have yourself- fuck. Better look in the mirror and see what you are, no one can love you until your head's up to par. Maybe you don't need sleep, or anyone really; you've been all alone all the time, that's just silly. To think that the comfort of someone would sate you, this emptyness you've carried is just trying to bait you. To believe something that maybe isn't true. Take a look at yourself kid, you're still alone, aren't you?

That's all bullshit, your brain wants to be off, allow it a little teeny comfort for once, won't you? Fuck no, it doesn't deserve my pity. You say it again as you come back inside, take a look at your phone, oh wow, it's still alive? With no messages, what a joke to think one would be there. No one else has problems sleeping to be fair. The anxiety of earlier conversation seems to hit you, hard as a brick to the side of your heart tissue. Why did you say that, what did you mean? Will they even respond, will they even care? Fuck, that's not your cross to bear. That feeling doesn't go away, don't start getting uppity. No one else is here; just see.

You fall back down onto your bed, nice and cold. You remember the times when it was warm, familiar. Old fantasies and memories just keep coming back as you cling to your pillow; searching for a scent other than your own, just like usual. You never do find one, but you pretend that you do. Someone you love is laying right next to you. The warmth of their heartbeat, you hear in their chest; their breath on your neck, arm wrapped tight at best. You finally found comfort, some much needed rest from the cold and the dark that you hate so goddamn much. Their body is warm and in it you find solace, you know they're asleep but you check it regardless- finding the part you most desperately want; a really big throbbing, and full, happy heart.

You shake your head, violent and vigorous a decree; no brain, do not go and lie to me! This is real, right? It's all I've ever wanted- to feel completely whole and be completely wanted. This isn't a dream and it has to be real, and you open your eyes; no one is there. It's just been five minutes that you've been laying there. Tears well up as you press into the pillow, you hate your brain even more for the solace. Just because you awoke from the one thing you want. You check your phone again, no reply. The jealousy is real now. Just fucking why?

Silence is the cancer that eats at your emotions; even more thoughts seem to fill your head. What will happen, what can be done? Did I fuck it all up, where the hell is the sun? I'm afraid of the dark and in it I can't sleep, not alone- but together, sure, maybe I could. You smell that scent again. It's real, it has to be- this time for sure. Maybe the dream was a nightmare and I'm finally waking up. You feel the breath and hear the heartbeat. That's all you've ever wanted, right? No, I want to see. I want to see your eyes when I open my own, that you'll actually be there and I won't be alone. No longer can I live day and night just like this. Something is wrong, something so amiss. I can hear you and smell you and feel you against me, please just this once, don't be a dream.

You open your eyes and notice the lack of that one piece you wanted to heal your heart back. The birds are awake and screaming at eachother, you curse rather loudly and throw something at the wall. Maybe a phone, what the hell does it matter? Four hours have passed and your brain can tolerate, but you were just happy- finally, for fuck's sake. If only for a brief period of time, you believed that your dreams were true, nothing new. The stale brightness of early morning shines through your window, you get up and stretch; put on something decent. You plap down the stairs to a daily achievement. A warm cup of coffee can put you to sleep, substitute that longing with chemical means. You jerk the door open and plop on the hammock left swinging on the porch that one night you were drunk. You haven't drank since, you don't like how it gets you; so coffee and morning mist will do.

You look outside at the bright new day, and groan a little bit- nothing much to say. You want what you want, and you want the need sated. You've been alone so damn long, maybe you're not so jaded. Distance can't matter, and neither can stress. The best things come from areas of mess. Right? Who knows, but it's another day. So you smile a bit, just be on your way.

Welcome to the part of life that isn't so glamorous. One thing's for sure, you've certainly been handling it. Maybe not as good, and maybe not as bad; but try to keep your chin up, try not to be sad. Everything will get better, just keep telling yourself.

This part of life is the stage where you learn, to be a better whole and to be a better half. When it comes around you'll know, after all- it's your show. Your life, lack of fucking sleep included. You sip your coffee and fluff up your hair.

Today is a good day. You're alive after all. Just keep that smile until the next nightfall.