tl;dr: I'm taking a week break to mentally recharge. Mainly due to a combination of overstimulation, information overload and a bit of stress. I'll still access Discord but maybe during late evenings for an hour or two just to keep up and stay safe. I'm still working on comms but it's been difficult due to the previously-mentioned overstimulation and stress.

I want to make this journal just to be safe and to explain why I might not be on as often for the next week, especially for folks in my Discord contacts.

Since around January of this year, I've been trying to get on a weekly schedule to be more productive. Specifically, I'm trying to build a routine working on the commissions and YCH that I owe (As well as two growth drives I still owe one more part or so). However, I've had multiple issues doing so; mostly related to my shitty sleep routine. It made it hard to really follow my planned schedule. My sleep schedule is a bit better now, though.

The only thing left I think I need to work on is my routine (or discipline, if you'd like to think of it that way). What's helped with this is understanding my habits related to autism inertia (similar to ADHD inertia, for anyone who knows about it) and just building a routine that will help me draw. It's why I created a weekly schedule where the hours I work on art serves as one big pomodoro session and not a strict schedule you'd see in an old British boarding school. I know I have the ability to maintain such a routine since I've been studying on my fundamentals (perspective and basic shapes, like cubes and cylinder). I've been doing so for almost a week. This was partially thanks to having better techniques in order to shift my mind from one activity to another.

One way that has worked was simply selecting a music playlist and just listen to the track for a few minutes; and just simply take calm breaths. Just relaxing my mind before I actually start drawing. When I do this, I notice not only do I feel less frustrated initially but it's easier for me to transition to drawing (thus, the "autism inertia" part). So I KNOW I can try at least and I'm tired of mostly doing nothing.

As an introvert-turned-slightly-"""extrovert""" (I just got decently better at socializing, really lol), I think I'm noticing a gradual mental energy burnout. Part of it is the more "mundane-but-still-important" reason which is that I'm likely socializing too much and I haven't been as aware of the effects on me. It's been a lot more obvious whenever I've worked retail; if I have to deal with A LOT of random customers or ones that have an attitude, I feel SO TIRED and just wanna do my own thing or lay down. However, with this specific situation, it's been more subtle. I enjoy talking most times on Discord or during streams; so it could be MANY HOURS of socializing until I start to feel drained and I'm struggling to talk because I ran out of stuff to say. In my case, I think it's gradually been chipping away at my mental energy. Even if it's in a call where people aren't doing or saying much, I won't exactly feel "restored". I'll either feel awkward or relaxed (depending on the mood) but I won't feel as rested is if I was doing my own thing. A part of me feels like when I'm not in a call, I can finally relax and just get lost in a game or show. Maybe it's the part of the mind that can chill and process stuff. I don't know if this is exactly a introverted thing but yeah.

I won't go into detail for the other reason since while it's pretty dang important, I want to finish this journal ASAP so I can unwind and go to bed. All I'll say is it's related to current events. (on a random sidenote, remember when Elon Musk removed Asmongold's blue checkmark status on Xitter after being confronted about his authenticity of being a great Path of Exile player with clear evidence of not knowing even the most basic mechanics of the game? Why would Elon feel the need to lie and pretend to be so great at a game; just to impress gamers? Isn't Elon for free speech? Does any of this only apply to this specific case? Ah well, just things that make you go "Hmmm.").


My hope is that by giving myself a week to recharge mentally (giving myself at least an hour or three to check on friends and make sure everything is ok), I will be able to focus on not only art again but also work on commissions. I REALLY want to finish the stuff I owe. It's why I'm writing this to keep myself not just accountable but serve as a sort of motivator. That and a way for people to understand what's going on and maybe offer some advice. I know a few of you likely deal with similar issues with autism/ADHD inertia. It's why these small discoveries related to it make me hopeful I can build a routine to work on the commissions I owe.

As a way to combat against perfectionism and procrastination, I'm reminding myself that ESPECIALLY nowadays with image generators, people want to not just commission me to get something that looks great but to get it done by ME, the artist. As long as I've followed the guidelines of the commission, the customer will hopefully be satisfied. Even if my lines aren't 100% confident or my perspective is off or the composition is generic. What matters is that I at least TRIED. Many artist, including musicians or game developers, have expressed similar thoughts and concerns; even beyond the specific example of commissions. Artist in general have issues being too hard on themselves. It's why I like the "Holy shit two cakes" meme; it's a reminder that we tend to be too harsh on ourselves. I'm weird in that I only feel this way with commissions but otherwise, I don't mind how my other stuff looks. I just do the best I can (even if I put in 60% of effort).

I'd appreciate any suggestions or your own perspective on either needing to recharge or dealing with autism inertia. That or any comment will do. Again, I'm sorry it's taken me so damn long on commissions. Admittedly I've felt so guilty about it. it's been such a constant issue it's honestly frustrating it's been such an issue, despite the previous years having the excuse of health/anxiety issues. Again, it's why I wanna say this for not just my own sake but so you guys can understand what's going on.

I'm sorry if most of this ended up me just rambling. There's just been so much on my mind for the past three days and I guess I ended up typing most of it on here. I guess that'll make it easier to fall asleep, then lol.