I know I have been silent not only here, but just everywhere in general. A lot has been weighing down on me over the past few years with just even more bullshit piling itself on top as of recently. Text cannot explain what I have been dealing with, but I will try my best.

I've been lonely. I've missed talking with so many old and new friends, but I feel like I have not had anything about myself to even talk about with them because of being stuck at home and because I haven't been able to create anything or buy any new art to share. I don't have a lot of money to buy new games that my friends are playing, and when I do have that money and finally get the game they have already moved on to something else by then. On top of that, I'm just tired of hopping into people's servers, get acknowledged once, and then never acknowledged again and just feeling like I have to silently slip out. The same shit has happened enough in VRChat too to the point where I have not wanted to hop on VR anymore because I'm tired of being ghosted or just hopping on to stand around people I don't know watching shitty Jimmywashere YLYL compilations for three hours while they shake their asses in front of everyone around me.

I've been envious of the people around me, friends and family too. I've been seeing the things they get to do while I'm stuck inside my home nearly 24/7 and unable to go further than three miles without a car to get to see or do anything that would keep me from being trapped in this Groundhog Day. I've been envious of the people that don't say shit about their birthday coming up yet will get hounded with gift art that they didn't even ask for. I'm envious of my friends on VR or on Discord that refuse to join me in any activities or instances I'm in yet will still spam myself and my other friends with invites to join their YLYL compilation binge or so they can start another Minecraft server.

I've been angry. In my living situation for the past year I've had to deal with some not great moments at home, so combine that with the VRNevada fucking me over and terminating my case at first because I refused to sign their IPE unless they removed something about finding a therapist to "cure/mitigate my autistm," my first and so far only job I've had down in Vegas being infuriating because they cut 12+ hours from my week and only gave a 50 cent raise on top of my $12.50/h, AND barely having enough money to help pay for groceries for my boyfriend and I and it just starts to become too much. It doesn't help that I have also gotten angry and blame myself for some of the shit that might not even be my fault.

All this shit has been causing me to spiral day after day, week after week, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of getting more unresolved crap thrown in with the rest of my problems. I'm tired of this constant feeling of anxiety, the bouts of sadness, all the clenching in my jaw and the damage that's already been done to my teeth because of it. It's been making me cry over things I never even thought I would cry about.

I've been hopeless. Everything that I have been having to deal with has just caused me to give up on a lot of things. I've found it harder to approach friends in DMs or in groups. I've had trouble wanting to hangout with people that ask me first. I still get anxiety anytime I try to create ANYTHING because of the trauma I'm still holding onto from Garuda. I didn't even want to post this journal because he had been beaten into my head that people don't want to deal with sad people. I convinced myself that people have chosen who they want to actually hang around among what groups I was previously part of and just accepted they don't want to be around me anymore and left. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I just want to be happy. I miss having a smile for my boyfriend when he comes home. I miss having friends I know I could go to just to hangout and do things. I miss having friends that would come and check if I'm okay. I'm sick of sitting around and doing nothing for hours and I'm tired of spiraling and crying for hours before bed.

I just want a break.