2024 has been by far, the hardest year of my life. A lot about my life was permanently changed, things that have sadly changed the trajectory of my future and my artwork.
I have been disappearing a lot this year, taking large gaps in between communicating with customers or posting commissions that i owe. Regardless of my explanation below, I take full responsibility for not being available to communicate and taking so long to finish your commissions.
Never once have any of you ever been rude, pushy, or even upset despite the fact you had every right to be. I really appreciate that and it means the world to me. All of you are so kind. I can genuinely not express how cared for and appreciative I feel about this.


TLDR;

My wrist injury I got in last August, I am at the point where I believe it is permanent and not going away. I will have to re-evaluate how to take and manage commissions here from now on.
My mental health reached so low I was almost hospitalized twice in June, I was not because we were too poor to afford it, but I am doing much better now :)

I also lost a cat that meant a lot to me very tragically, and had been taking time to grieve.

The long version I've broken up into sections. So much has happened even just in the month of June, that I feel like this is easier to explain.



WRIST INJURY

When I was in elementary and middle school, I was an athlete. I did Taekwondo. It was my entire life, I went 6 days a week and did every tournament. When I was 12 or 13, I had to stop because my knees were swelling to the size of watermelons and I was in excruciating pain all of the time. Went to the doctor, and after an MRI found out I had Tendonitis in both of my knees. He did not check everywhere else at that time, but to be diagnosed with that so young was pretty bizarre. I had to quit Taekwondo, he said it was destroying my knees. It sucked to hang up this giant part of my life forever, but it had to be done.

When my wrist injury started September of 2023, I thought it was my carpal tunnel from drawing so much. It's happened before. Kinktober 2022 had made it flare up. But then it persisted, flared up in BOTH wrists, and got worse and worse until I realized it didn't hurt where carpal tunnel usually hurts.
And so I looked it up, and realized it was the exact spot you feel Tendonitis in your wrists. I have 4 different wrist braces, take about 9 to 12 ibuprofen a day, used Diclofenac gel on my wrists and trigger finger daily, I do stretches multiple times a day.

I spent a lot of time the last few months doing nothing. Unable to draw, or type, or game, or write. Things that I center my life and identity around.
Now I can draw for a bit every day, typing this is not hurting but I know I'll have to rest afterwards.
The same thing that ruined my ability to do Taekwondo, is now ruining my ability to create. It's spiraled me into a really dark place. It feels hopeless at times, like I'll have to give up the one thing I'm good at.
but I'm persisting. I can't give up art, I just can't live without it. And my progress and pain management from even December 2023 to now, July 2024 is completely different. Even if I don't know a day without pain anymore.

I haven't seen a doctor since I was 13, so I can't confirm it, but I'm certain ALL of my chronic pain is now tendonitis and not arthritis. it's scary, but I hope one day I can afford to go to a specialist and they can do anything to help. I fantasize about getting wrist surgery or, getting a medication that makes my wrists feel normal again. Or like, any of my joints haha. I walk with a cane because of my hips and all that, but that's been normal for me since 2020.


HOUSE ENVIRONMENT

In December 2023, my mum's best friend moved in to stay with us for 6 months, I was promised she was not moving in with us. I have nothing bad to say about her, she is very sweet and has been super empathetic to me.

But like me, she is also disabled. And is in the house constantly. I had to grow used to her being in my house and, i found out halfway through her staying she was actually moving in and my mother had lied. Being lied to by her was really really upsetting to me, the night is hazy but I had run away and stayed outside until it was dark.
It's hard to articulate why it hurt so bad and why the idea of living with another person made me so sick, because at this point I actually MISS her friend and desperately want her to come back. She's only gone for the summer, so at least she'll be back!
but. It's so hard to explain to a nonautistic person why making changes to my safe space without any say in it is so taxing, even if i like the change. I kept waiting for summer, knowing she was gonna spend it in a different state. I was happy to have some time in the house to myself and my partner again!

but the literal day of my 8 year anniversary, my Uncle cussed out my grandparents that he mooches off of, and my mum let him stay with us. He had pneumonia, and he was just supposed to stay until his antibiotics went all through his system. And then he got better, and didn't leave. He just slept in our living room until 6pm everyday and it made all of us uncomfortable.

Eventually someone in my system asked our mum 'hey when is he leaving, we are really, really not doing mentally well and we need our routine not to be disrupted so we can rest." And she basically said she was worried if she didn't let him stay, he would end his own life. Totally ignoring the fact we admitted to calling two inpatients and being denied because we couldn't pay for it. But we told her we'd try to wait it out.

Every fucking day I was having panic attacks, contemplating SH, and at my worst looking for more inpatient places around because I couldn't take it anymore. My cats were all sick, as I will expand on in the next section, my Dog was forced to be locked in her kennel unless I took her outside int he Texas heat (she didn't even want to play outside it was so hot.)
All because we were scared of like, making him uncomfortable i guess?

2 days ago she kicked him out, because he asked if his daughter could stay for a week and she asked if he could do it next week instead. that weekend was her birthday and she wanted the house quiet. So he cussed her out really meanly and, I gathered all his shit up on the porch for him and locked the door until he came to get it.
She also told me he had blown through 3,000 dollars worth of her life savings bc she gave him an emergency credit card. THAT'S 3000 IN LESS THAN TWO MONTHS MAN.
He has a problem with drugs and I have a feeling it has to do with that. But he told her he hoped she died and said to have a terrible birthday and life so. Ugh. it was a mess.
It was hard to do anything in the house while he was here, he's such a scary and uncomfortable person to be around. You have no idea how relieving it is that he's gone now. I feel like I've finally let our a breath I've had sucked in since my 8 year anniversary with my partner.


THE CATS

At the same time my uncle was here, we got our cats spayed! We live in the middle of nowhere in rural Texas, so our only way to spay them was at a feral catch and release spay.

The night BEFORE we were taking them to be spayed, this outdoor cat who slept on our porch (affectionately named Princess Tokyo Drift) had BABIES IN MT PILE OF SQUISHMALLOWS IN MY ROOM AT 4AM ASVNJFNDBJGNJBKGKN
so now we are taking care of her and her two kids: Clutch and Diesel, until we can get them spayed and neutered and then adopted. So there was that.

My other two cats got spayed and everything went well, but then they got respiratory infections. We took the most sick to the vet, got her fluids and medicine, and then had to take the other two (one of which who didn't even GO bc she had been spayed years ago.).
by the end of it, we had to go to the vet 4 times in a two week period. I was hand feeding my cats water and food through a syringe because they wouldn't eat or drink on their own. All of this, plus taking care of babies, plus my uncle being there and being awful crescendo'd into this awful climax where my beloved cat Tricky passed away very suddenly on the way to drive her to the vet.

She was my first cat, she was only 3 years old. They did CPR on her and there was nothing they could do. It still makes me tear up to think about it even now. She wasn't even the one who got spayed at that awful place who, clearly did not care to quarantine sick cats. it was and still is totally devastating.

I loved her so much, we rescued her the summer we moved here and I had to bottle feed her because she was orphaned too young. She always jumped onto my shoulders to lick my hair, she was a really good girl.

My other two cats, Deracho and Kirara, are healthy and fully recovered from their illness. I could not be more thankful, that was one of the most painful times of my entire life with everything on top of each other like that.

As the internet states, I have spoken of my cats and must now pay the cat tax. Below are pictures of my cats, all of them are healthy and alive in these pics so you don't need to worry about that: https://images.squidge.org/album/6xaou


FUTURE PLANS

Where does all of this stupid mess leave me?
My wrist injury had deeply affected my work, and all of my life stress was severely killing my stomach for kink art or NSFW. Things are steadily improving now, but I don't think I can ever approach my commissions the same way again.

I have to think on what my next move is more before settling on a plan. I am still drawing, this is my only source of income and I love drawing Transformation art for people so much.
All I know is, the next time I open commissions my queue will be less than half the size it normally is. I will be making much less money, and much less art. But it won't stop completely and that's a privilege I realise.

I've been fighting for government disability for over a year now, about a year and a half, with an attorney given to me by a nonprofit organization. One day I will get monthly checks and I won't need to do tf art to /survive/. I can just go back to doing it for fun when it fancies me. But until then, I have to find a way to make it work in the commissions world with my tendonitis.

THANKS

My wrist is finally getting sore from all of this typing, haha. But I wanted to take a minute to thank everyone who has read and, everyone who supports me.

I cannot express how much it means that everyone of you has only met me with kindness, flexibility, and patience. Even when you had every right to be unhappy with me. It means the world to me. I feel so lucky to have people like you all to support me.

In several occasions, your generosity has kept my family's lights on and kept us from being genuinely homeless. I want to keep making art for you, and count my blessings in this niche little community so often even when I am hiding away due to my offline life stress.

I want to figure out what to do to make creating artwork for you more timely and consistent even if I can only take 1 commission a week. Thank you all so much for all you do for me.