Sorry for any grammatical mistakes/typos. This was mostly typed up on my phone while trying not to break into tears while at work. x.x

I'm not sure writing this is a good idea. it's been a long time since I've been here like this. a long time since I felt a part of anything, really. When things started to go wrong, I had to shut down anything not directly needed to survive. This included many facets of myself. I effectively dropped out of the furry community, of every community.
I think I feel I have to do this to get some closure. for the last year or so I've been just limping along in life. I hadn't healed, I still haven't, although I think I've just started the process. I'd stopped being around anyone but those I live with. my contact lists emptied of people I actually knew to the point where I only had three active conversations across two platforms. if you can call once a month frequency active.

all I did was work and sleep. my little free time was spent lost in old movies or games when they could hold my attention. I wanted friends, I still do, but the parts of me that could be friends was closed off, shut down. I'm still not sure it's fully awoken, or maybe this is all that's survived.
For the last few years (2013-2016) a majority of my socializing had been in art streams, much of that being one or two specific people. places I knew the streamer fairly well and so felt safe. I didn't expect them to do anything for me for free, but I did know that if someone had tried to hurt me I'd have some safety there. And I tried to commission them whenever I could, even being a fairly high tier patron of one for a while. Not just for the art, but because It felt good helping out a friend, at actually doing something productive.

Nowadays I'm not welcome in my best friends stream, if she is still doing that. (I hope she is). and the other artist I got separated from due to some drama with those I used to live with and I don't want to bring any of that back. and even if I could, I literally have no privacy. my desk is in the middle of the room, anyone walking by can see whatever is on screen. and if I wear a headset for privacy with the audio I can't hear if anyone approaches, so I'd get caught. not a conversation I want to have when I'm completely at their mercy while living here. And right now moving out isn't much of an option. While I technically could afford it, I'd sink into an even worse depression being completely on my own.


so I've pretty much stepped away from every character I've ever had. they all hurt for various reasons, time has dulled that slightly but nowhere near enough. I don't know if I could ever feel comfortable using them. it's why I've started over, again, and I've limited what contact I've had with anyone I used to know. A few people have been told but I had not sought out any of them, it was just accidental and I didn't want to feel like I was a creep stalking them so I honestly told the truth.

I don't like having done this, but I'm really not the same person I was before, either. I'm not as carefree with my emotions (which most would have said before) because I know how fragile I am. I know what little I have to fall back upon. before I believed that I had friends that would catch me if I fell, that saw how much I tried to put into friendships. maybe I put the wrong things into them, I don't really know. just that when I needed help the most I had nowhere to turn.
I think another reason I'm doing this is to apologize to everyone. I know the one I owe that to the most won't see this, that they've unwatchable me on all my old accounts. and it's been a year and a half, they've probably forgotten me completely by now. (I really hope so, that they could move on and be happy). I know I was stupid and foolish and greedy. nothing really new there for those that knew me. part of the reason I try to be so selfless is because I know how greedy and jealous I am. it's almost like I'm bribing people to try and put up with me. we see how well that works. I think over the last couple years I've practically given 5 or 6 thousand to people I knew. a little here and there to help out, covering a bid they made when they lost their job or when the winning bidder ahead of them defaulted and if they didn't pay they'd have been blacklisted too. x.x or when I covered a commission for the two of us, then they didn't pay me back for their half and then they later picked a fight with the artist and the artist had to borrow half again from me to refund it. (so I paid three times.). I bought a friend a ych from one of their favorite artists, I covered a commission for a friend I knew was struggling, even bought a MYO slot for a friend that had offered way too much in an art trade for one earlier and was a bit crushed when it was rejected. or another friend that was nearly kicked out of their home by shady landlords that demanded rent twice a week for months on end, I gave them whatever they were short. I even threw way more money at my best friend simply because they were so wonderful to me, did so much beautiful gift art for me that I couldn't ever repay.
I'm not mad, or even sad about that, really. I'm just...disappointed. in myself. I see others managing to be a complete jerk to everyone and even they manage to have everything I want. Friends, family, a place they belong.
I try to be nice to my friends, to make a real effort to be a part of their life. I try to be as nice as I can, to be kind and caring and generous and yet I can't hold onto friendships to literally save my life. I seem to lose everyone I care about, the more I care the more it hurts when I lose them. Mostly people just vanish without much of a trace. And yes, I know that's what I did, and I feel horrible about it. I know I can't make it up to anyone that it might have mattered to.
If anyone does want to reach me, the email below will work although I'd really like it if I knew who you were since my memory isn't the greatest and digging through old messages for a couple details has been painful enough lately. x.x

..................
For my best friend.
So long and pointless ramble aside, This is the closest I can get to saying goodbye. I've seen you around, although I've been trying to avoid you since I know exactly where your profile is. How could I not, you're still my favorite artist and (to me) still my best friend, no matter how much time passes since we've last talked. I've only been to the profile once since that date, and that was an accident. (Didn't read the name when I clicked the link x.x)

I'm sorry I caused so many problems, to the point where you had to stop talking with me. I know that although we had a very close bond, nothing that wasn't just friendship ever happened between us, and I'm very glad of that. Not because I didn't want it, but because I did, I do. I know I've stopped myself multiple times from sending an email or trying to get in contact. But I made a promise to let you be in charge of what level our contact could be, and since your decision was none I'm keeping it as best I can. I believe that you'd unwatched my old accounts on FA, and that's probably for the best. I don't intend to use them again (at this time) but if I ever did I wouldn't want to bring back more memories. Or if I did I'd want you to have made more so that the ones we had are worthless for you, so no pain.
I..I...the closest I can come to breaching my promise is that I'm going to leave an email here for you. I don't expect you to see it since you've unwatched, and I don't expect anyone that can figure out who you are would point you to it anyway (unless they thought it would be best for you to know, I know my own judgement is impaired here).
You can always reach me with myKoiWillow[at]gmail.com . For as long as I'm able that'll always feed into whatever active email account I have. Because you are my best friend and I'd still do anything, even if it means staying away for the rest of my life. I know I'd like to have your friendship again, and that I wouldn't have a problem keeping it within what is allowed in a normal friendship, but you've no reason to trust me. And we'd both know that I had stronger feelings, just that I would be keeping them in check. And that's the problem.
You really are the best of us, sweetie. I truly hope you are happier than before and that your future is looking bright. <3 You'll always be my best friend.