Little sarcasm this time around, more of a serious journal with serious words (for once.) I've been wanting to have jot down more of my thoughts or upload more of my sketches. It'll be a bit more useful a handful of years later from now. I got a few things in mind I'd like to do three, four, five years from now since I was the usual "I can never draw, ever! I can't even write legibly. You expect me to understand that black magic artsy stuff?" If you want to skip all this, then just jump down to like the last paragraph or something.


A few days ago I was browsing over my FA page and realized my last journal was roughly ten months ago, soon to be eleven. That's a very, very rough marker of when I decided I'd actually do something with my life and set a goal for myself. Instead of working on fractals, which are fun but can be frustrating, I'd focus on something I could have more control over. Instead of constantly being depressed with my current job, I'd quit my bitching and moaning and actually start working on changing my situation. All the bitching in the world won't help you out if you don't take the first step and actually try to change things. Maybe it's a bit risky, since I prolly could go to a trade school or even a college if I really tried. I utterly despise studying though, none of the trades really suite me, I can't stand working under someone I'm simply not going to respect "just because they're my boss." You don't get respect "just because", that's something that's earned. Maybe that's a dying point of view, maybe that's childish, but hey, that's my mentality and I'm not changing it.

Now, I'm always looking for other jobs and such, but... The risk is one of the things that keeps me going though. If I stop drawing, then that means I'm settling on making piss poor money for the rest of my young life. Hot damn, not even $12 an hour sounds wonderful! You get a quarter to 75 cents raise a year? WEOW! Maybe if I stay here for 15 more years I'll manage to make $20 an hour! Even if I do find another job, it's gonna be the same shit, different boss. I'm simply not cut for desk jobs, I can't stand them. Being pent up in a factory, inputting numbers, slowly developing wrist and other health issues... No thanks. There's nothing skill related there. No matter how good I am at my job, there's no going up. No promotions, hard work is barely ever recognized in jobs, why would I want to settle for that? It's not about money though, don't get this wrong. I'd rather be making $12 an hour drawing and doing something I love, rather than making, say, $19 an hour doing something I utterly despise and being forced to obey people who see you as nothing more than batteries to be replaced when you start becoming inefficient.

I've needed something like that to basically kick me into gear. I have a golden opportunity to become an artist for various reasons, some I won't mention. I've probably been various degrees of depressed for the last four years thanks to this job, feeling trapped and simply having nothing to aim for in life, and now I'm just gonna stop and drop this chance to do something "just because it's hard"? No matter what I choose to do, it's gonna be hard. Only difference here is that it could be something hard that I enjoy. Oh, or just because "I have to actually work and fail repeatedly at something"? A lot of what I draw even now is still laughably bad, but it's a massive improvement from a a month or three ago. Things are becoming easier and just happening naturally, other things I still struggle with. Anything you do in life, you're gonna end up failing repeatedly at it until you get good... So again, why not keep failing at and learning something I enjoy doing? Drawing is something I'd love, I could potentially do it for a living, and I'd be doing something that would directly effect other people and (hopefully) brighten their day a little. That's a few years off though, for sure. It's a bit of a risk since there's no sure way to know if what you end up making will even be something people want. I'm far too inexperienced drawing wise to even try to take a guess at that, but I'm still gonna work towards that. I'm sure I can get somewhere if I work hard enough at it.

Around this time a year ago, I almost nearly didn't get into drawing. I was never into sketching when I was going through school, none of it made sense. Not even a little. I missed out on a ton of practice, at least that was my thought process. I could have been drawing for five-ten years by now if I had tried it back in middle or high school.... And that's when it made sense. I want to do this, I have an interest in it. If I don't start now, then ten years from now I'll be thinking the same exact thing, "Why even bother? If I had started back then, I could have been drawing for ten years by now!" And it'd just repeat like that, over and over and over.

An now I'm here, finally past one of the hardest hurdles of this whole thing. The biggest challenge has been just fighting myself to keep with it. I think I've crossed the threshold with my head that "if I give up now, I'll have wasted SO MUCH TIME over the past ten/eleven months that it'd just be stupid. Why do that? May as well just keep going." Not to mention I actually feel like I got something to aim for in my life too. If I stop, then I just go back to being "doomed" with a terrible job, or some other kinda job that I know I'm not gonna enjoy for the rest of my life. It's less about money and simply just finding something that I can enjoy doing. If I wanted money, I'd just find whatever field makes big money, go to college for that for however many years, rack up delicious mounds of debt, and then hope to god and/or Satan that I can make it in a profession I'd despise doing afterwards for the rest of my life.


I may very well start uploading more of my sketches and practice pages. If seeing decently bad traditional art is something that annoys you, then I apologize in advance. I'd like to have something to look back and to also show other people in five or ten years. I'll be doing this same black magic in Photoshop that other artists do, and I'll inevitably get "how the hell do you do that? :c I can't draw to save my life" comments. Being able to have something for others to look back at and go "Oh, wow, your early stuff was god awful lol" would be useful, I think. Not just early, full pieces either. I'm talking about the legit learning process. Drawing things over and over, trying different things, trying to draw a feline for once which ends up looking like a whale because you don't know the first thing about anatomy. You don't often see that. All you see is this AWESOME art these awesome people are putting out, or what crazy price that one YCH is going for. You rarely ever see these terrible sketches and horribly aligned wolf-canine things that they started off drawing. Sometimes you do though, which is neat.

I'm still debating on whether or not I'd like to do that. I'll give it a week or two, I think.