I think about music constantly. Not just what types of music I like or dislike, but which bands are good and bad for the music industry.
Right now, the might of a thousand suns should be screwing these musicians. They’re ugly. They’re either posers, yuppies or both. They’re bands that have sold millions of albums and made even more big bucks by convincing people that their crap music is a work of art. The reality is some of these Grammy winners and superstars are just untalented frauds keeping people from listening to actual music.

Dave Matthews Band [Pop rock, jam band, jazz fusion, folk rock, indie, roots rock]
They can somewhat play their instruments, and more importantly, seem to like music where people actually do play their instruments. Unfortunately for me, this band is overrated. Any sort of critique about them is met with a lot of mean-spirited internet words. DMB makes the list based purely on their negative effect on rock music.
What I mean by that is they’re used by their fans as proof that they are free-thinking, serious music people. To say you like them is to say, “Hey, I’m into blues/jazz things! And look, a semi-solo! And hey, a violin! Violins mean art. Musicians! Oh wait, be right back, here’s that song they play on commercials a lot.” Fans of this band typically don’t like blues rock or jam music that really experimented with sounds (but the only way they’d listen to Frank Zappa’s album “Guitar” is if you strapped them down and pried their ears open a la Clockwork Orange). But Dave Matthews gives these radio-listening, Pandora-loving lemmings a “Get Out of Not Knowing a Damn Thing About Music Free” card, and for that, they make the list.

Poison [Glam metal, heavy metal (early), pop rock]
These guys. While nobody takes them seriously anymore (at least I hope not), they are responsible for all the good music of the 1980s being laughed at and seen as “hair metal”. This is a band that put music at the bottom of their priority list, caring much more about getting chicks, looking like chicks and prancing around than writing a single decent song. When they did try to get serious, like in “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”, it was so embarrassingly cheesy and lame that—eventually—even the hardest of the ‘80s bands had to cut their hair in order not to be associated with the genre.

It’s unknown what they would have sounded like in their early years (1983-1985), but chances are they would’ve sounded far better back then.

Coldplay [Modern rock, pop rock, post-Britpop, dance-pop]
When not ripping off music from artists more talented than themselves, Coldplay spends most of their time writing really big music for people with really small brains. Coldplay likes to use vocal effects that stopped being popular in 1998, backing tracks inspired by Dance Dance Revolution and wear awkward hats.
Easily digestible pop rock flam that looks better vomited out than it ever did going in. Everyone in the band coincides with their yuppie fanbase of middle-class dudes who all try to look like Silicon Valley engineers or internet poker players. Coldplay’s existence basically wipes out any good that way-better-but-less-popular bands like Canned Heat ever did, which is enough to ban their music for eternity.

Rev Theory [Post-grunge, nu metal, alternative metal, pop rock]
Give me a “Hell no.” Rev Theory is the culmination of lower-class bro dudes who grew up on Limp Bizkit, playing power chords to the MAX, DAWG, spending close to six whole minutes writing shitty rock songs with the most fist-bumping chorus their Mountain Dew-soaked minds could conjure up. This has replaced a majority of rock music on the radio, forcing millions of people who otherwise would be listening to Metallica or Pantera to endure this NRA-loving, mindless, nothing slop.
Hard rock has devolved into exactly what bands like Rev Theory think should pass for good music nowadays; Kid Rock’s energetic Americanism, hair metal’s blueprint of rock-ballad-rock songwriting and Republican whining about just wanting to make a life in the good ole USA with a beer in hand.

Oasis [Post-Britpop, pop rock]
Come at me, yuppies.

They have given musicians of the 21st century the freedom to… just be musicians. These bands like to create sounds. Ambition and creativity are their claims to fame, regardless of the value. They create droning, digital, guitar/piano-based ear-fuckery that only millionaires with way too much time on their hands would even consider creating. They have as much power as just about anyone in the industry, yet album after album, they sound like a kid saying “I’m screwed!” while getting beaten by 8th grade bullies and trying to figure out the meaning of it all. Then it gets downloaded by well-off girls and listened to on their iPhones.
Responsible for the death of the heart of “rock” music: three to five guys, picking up instruments and playing. They need more than that, you see. They need computers. They need to turn down their amps for some reason. The only things they can bother with are treble, delay, overdrive and reverb, whereas Pearl Jam fired up everybody with distortion. Most of all, they need a dumb listening audience.

Stereophonics [Pop rock, Britpop (early), post-Britpop]
Same as above.

Journey [AOR, pop rock, progressive rock (early), soft rock]
The most overplayed band in existence. In recent years, it seems like Hayley Williams is rivaling them in terms of being the most overplayed industry junkie as well with songs like “Now”, “Ain’t It Fun”, “Still Into You”, “Daydreaming”, “Simmer”, her guest spot on B.O.B.’s “Airplane”, “Leave It Alone”, “Roses” and “This Is Why”.

Def Leppard [Heavy metal (early), glam metal, AOR, power pop]
I’m typing this with one hand.

It’s amazing how many people like these hair metal pussies. Apparently, “Pour Some Sugar on Me” wasn’t a big-enough hint that these wide-eyed wannabes sold out the minute Mutt Lange entered the recording booth. Leppard was signed for one reason: to produce pop rock hits. The record company brought in a producer to do just that. It worked. Girls through their bras on stage. Selling out was achieved. Yet these guys and their fans STILL think there is artistic merit hidden somewhere in the middle of “Armageddon It”. Yeah, I’m not getting it.

Def Leppard is the stereotypical story of no-talent douchebags who took themselves way too seriously. Too much booze, too much partying, car crashes, groupies. They came out on the other side of the 1980s overweight or severely underweight, in rehab and wanting to be recognized. Well, here’s your recognition: you are officially the fifth worst band that has ever played. Go play another benefit show.

Bon Jovi [Glam metal, AOR, pop rock]
I’m not sure anybody is convinced more that they are a legit band and are more wrong than Bon Jovi. This is basically the Backstreet Boys of rock. Safe lyrics, safe music, safe looks. The members of Bon Jovi are just really nice guys who really want to make you feel good. Here’s the thing about nice guys: they are boring as hell. All the skin-tight purple pants and hair-poofing in the world can’t make up for the lack of insight that either the singing or playing bring. “Wanted Dead or Alive” is the music equivalent of the people behind “Two Broke Girls” rewriting “Deadwood”. Jon Bon Jovi sings “It’s My Life” as if a guy with multi-platinum albums and $1,000,000 movie roles has anything to complain about. Who listens to this garbage?

Bon Jovi is just a pop band; music that you can dance to and not think about with a chorus you can mostly remember. But they have guitars! If Jon Bon Jovi was a dingleberry on Lemmy’s ass today, Lemmy would drown his backside in alcohol and set it on fire.

R.I.P. Lemmy. You were amazing.

Sixpence None the Richer [Pop rock, indie pop, power pop, soft rock, Christmas]
Generic two-hit wonder band. Most people are surprised that Sixpence is even a Christian act, though that’s very clear all over the album. You know what? They were part of the last gasp of mainstream “easy listening” in the ‘90s. You’d think the (somehow) two hit singles from this album, “Kiss Me” and “There She Goes”, would be the vapidest songs from the album… but that’s not true.

You get an F minus! See me after class, Sixpence!

Shinedown [Post-grunge, acoustic, country rock, pop rock]
Shinedown is a rip-off and band version of Anvil Laweak and Pink, who are horrible enough. Why, may you ask? Their music is pure, unadulterated pop. For some reason, many people can’t seem to grasp that simple concept. Why must you add any guitars? Why do you even need a guitarist when you know for a fact your music sucks? They never make any statement other than “I’m tough, hell yeah” or “tell my mother and my father I’ve done the best that I can; this is my life, I hope they understand”. Their lyrics are shallow and meaningless, even though they’re supposed to be touching or fire up the masses. They claim to write whatever is in their heart, but I think that’s a load of bullshit. Shinedown is generic as all hell.

Avril Lavigne [Teen rock, pop rock, adult contemporary, post-grunge, teen pop]
Let me start off by saying, R.I.P. Joey Ramone. And screw you, Heather from Over the Hedge, for being voiced by a controversial Canadian singer who doesn’t know how to avoid contradicting herself and is too pussified—because all she can play are soft rock jams that don’t fire up anybody!
Right now, I’m convinced Heather the possum is the biggest reason why one of the most hated artists in the US—read: one of America’s biggest punching bags—is still around. She voiced Heather in Over the Hedge. No, seriously. After that, “Girlfriend” would briefly become the national anthem for sorority tramps and frat boys and little teeny boppers everywhere. That ought to explain why “Girlfriend” is her most-viewed song on YouTube.

Also, she has 3 ½ times more subscribers than Pink Floyd. Think about that. Not the makers of “Dark Side of the Moon”, “Shine On You Crazy Diamond”, “Welcome to the Machine”, “Have a Cigar”, “Wish You Were Here”, “Another Brick in the Wall” or even “Comfortably Numb”. Goddamn Anvil Laweak.

Her music isn’t even good enough to be in the Museum of Modern Art! Thankfully, it never has been and never will be.

Not unless we also include a laundry list of other pop musicians who are even worse, or perhaps even more deserving. The list could go on and on. But let’s just get this over with and do a retrospective on her.

Her recent popularity in Asia or the number of pop critics and fans who look back at her fondly is astonishing. More surprising than that is the number of people who still defend this artist as something to be proud of listening to.

It’s shitty pop music! It’s Britney Spears! That’s the problem. Being a pop music celebrity doesn’t automatically put you on par with some of the greatest bands of all time like Pixies, The Sex Pistols, The Ramones and Velvet Underground! It just doesn’t! It doesn’t put you in their field and it most certainly can’t! Let’s just give Joey Ramone a posthumous Nobel Prize in Music for his powerful vocals while we’re at it… unless we also want to give that to Laweak.

This music is manufactured bullshit designed to steal money from gullible teens and nothing more. Laweak sounds like a castrated nine-year-old having a meltdown at Hot Topic or Walmart in front of her parents, or perhaps falls in love more than Taylor Swift. The guitar riffs are just three to four chords being played over and over again. There’s more hip-hop-oriented production than at a contest of who’s the best TLC or Britney Spears cover artist. “Complicated” is one of the worst songs ever made. “Sk8er Boi” sucks. “Mobile” sucks. “He Wasn’t” sucks. “I Always Get What I Want” sucks. “Girlfriend” sucks. “When You’re Gone” sucks. “Keep Holding On” sucks.
The only three songs by her that don’t suck are “Losing Grip”, “I’m with You” (slightly mediocre, but an improvement over the previous two singles) and “Unwanted”.
Anvil made pop music for gullible teenagers in the 2000s; today, she is adored by either young girls or middle-aged women rocking barbed wire bicep tats, guzzling Meister Bräu, pretending to feel betrayed for attention, cheating on their boyfriends or husbands and owning unnecessarily large vehicles. This is literally the worst Canadian music ever made, regardless of if anybody listened to it all. In Asia, it’s now being listened to by anybody and everybody.

Pink [Pop rock, dance-pop, adult contemporary, R&B, electropop]
Pink is mostly, if not completely, notorious for being an industry plant like her Canadian equivalent Anvil. After all, they were both hired by the same manager (Antonio “L.A.” Reid) and signed to the same record label (Arista Records). She is also a spoiled little, Alanis Morrisette-esque brat who exists as “proof” that music doesn’t matter, even though it does. According to her, you can be a 5-year-old sissy who thinks bragging about how much she hates everyone or hates being sober really makes her tough for 23 years. “It’s a totally normal, OK thing. That’s what rock/punk is all about.” Uh, no, Pink.

Dishonorable Mention: Creed/Nickelback [Post-grunge, pop rock, country rock]
No comment.

Justin Bieber [Teen pop, R&B, dance-pop, electropop, synth-pop, Christmas]
God, I hate Justin Bieber. God, I hate Justin Bieber. God, I hate Justin Bieber.

So first, Antonio “L.A.” Reid ruined Anvil Laweak and Pink before they even got famous by making them corporate, unimaginative musicians as much as possible. Then he helped produce Bieber’s studio debut (on which he is credited as the executive producer). It says all you need to know about Justin. His music is nothing but manufactured and corporate crap. His voice is way too high-pitched (or used to be, at least), he sings immature-as-hell songs and every tune sounds the same. He even has to have assistance from other musicians in writing his songs, so they’re almost never his own. There is nothing unique, innovative or creative about anything he does. It’s a joke how anybody can become famous nowadays.

Over 30 years ago, you actually had to have talent to achieve success. One of the bad things about YouTube. His whole audience is a bunch of airheaded teenage girls who don’t have a clue as to what real music is.