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Important issue for watchers to know
2 years ago
I know that I have a bad habit of vanishing, and it is probably time that I actually explain that at length. While a lot of that has been related to college, work, and family matters over the years... there is a more underlying reason. This is going to mention some very serious subjects and be decidedly less than uplifting. So, I understand if you do not wish to read it. This has already been posted a bit ago on Twitter — as a test to see if I actually had the courage to explain this all and keep up such personal information. Several of you have already read and replied — either to the Twitter post or in private — and I am beyond thankful for that!
Not sure if this is a good idea, but I figure that people should get a thread explaining why I'm not too talkative. Aside from those times that I'm busy studying, working, etc. Those closer to me know that I'm both an aspie and an introvert.
Likewise, you will know the first person who I ever fell in love with was mentally, verbally, and financially abusive. While my current mate is the kindest man that I ever knew; there is only so much and so quickly that you can heal deep scars. I still get bouts of paranoia about people and myself. If I am doing everything right, if I'm a issue, if they are tricking me, or if they just want me for attention/money/one-sided affection. Between my autism, paranoia from past trauma, and oft being busy... it is hard to keep up with people.
I've told no one the biggest reason, though. I don't want to go in depth too much; I'm not comfortable with that and this might be something I regret telling people. A handful of years shy of a decade ago, I slowly began to EXIT a horrible mental health crisis of my own. Prior to that, I spent literal years apathetic to everything and everyone. I wanted to die, but was too apathetic to even try and off myself. So, I just slept, ate, and spent time by myself for YEARS.
I barely talked to my family, I didn't go to school, I didn't work, I didn't talk online, I didn't game with randoms, I had no friends, and I could count the times I even left the house per month on one hand... and still have spare fingers. YEARS went on like that. Honestly, I was so apathetic that I don't even recall how I slowly got out of it all.
When this ended, shy of a decade back now, it was by talking with four people once or twice a week. Only two of which were on mic, sometimes. This lasted... a few years? It is still kind of a blur that I never bothered to remember or pay attention to. Slowly, though, I did. I got more friends, I even got my G.E.D and started to go to college classes. Things were improving! I was semi-functional and getting better over a bit more time! Then, I meant the ex who drained a bunch of money from me, gaslit me, and did more than I care to mention here.
This nearly sent me back, and, gave me a problem with alcohol. It was only due to my second ex and some friends that I avoided going back to the way that I was. Still... I find it hard to talk with people. I worry about how I look, what they are doing. I worry that I am spending too much or not enough time. Then, it gets to a point where I have not messaged anyone for so long that the stress just keeps mounting... and I fear messaging them even more. I'm doing my best, but I'll be honest. Sometimes, my best is not enough.
That is my fault, and I apologize for making you feel unwanted, annoying, or anything else. Please, just know that I care for you all; I am not good at actually showing it. Talking to people and doing things with them is fun... but exhausting, as well. I, mentally, can't talk to many people too frequently. I hope to slowly get better, but please have patience and try to understand that I'm just... not the best at communicating.
I hope that this explains things, and that you all will not think too differently of me. I want to be more active and more talkative, and I am trying to be. I just want to reply to talk to be able to talk to people, reply to comments, and interact like a normal person... but my past makes this slow going. I cannot promise that I won't stumble here or there, but, I do really appreciate those of you who have stayed with me, despite my flaws.
Not sure if this is a good idea, but I figure that people should get a thread explaining why I'm not too talkative. Aside from those times that I'm busy studying, working, etc. Those closer to me know that I'm both an aspie and an introvert.
Likewise, you will know the first person who I ever fell in love with was mentally, verbally, and financially abusive. While my current mate is the kindest man that I ever knew; there is only so much and so quickly that you can heal deep scars. I still get bouts of paranoia about people and myself. If I am doing everything right, if I'm a issue, if they are tricking me, or if they just want me for attention/money/one-sided affection. Between my autism, paranoia from past trauma, and oft being busy... it is hard to keep up with people.
I've told no one the biggest reason, though. I don't want to go in depth too much; I'm not comfortable with that and this might be something I regret telling people. A handful of years shy of a decade ago, I slowly began to EXIT a horrible mental health crisis of my own. Prior to that, I spent literal years apathetic to everything and everyone. I wanted to die, but was too apathetic to even try and off myself. So, I just slept, ate, and spent time by myself for YEARS.
I barely talked to my family, I didn't go to school, I didn't work, I didn't talk online, I didn't game with randoms, I had no friends, and I could count the times I even left the house per month on one hand... and still have spare fingers. YEARS went on like that. Honestly, I was so apathetic that I don't even recall how I slowly got out of it all.
When this ended, shy of a decade back now, it was by talking with four people once or twice a week. Only two of which were on mic, sometimes. This lasted... a few years? It is still kind of a blur that I never bothered to remember or pay attention to. Slowly, though, I did. I got more friends, I even got my G.E.D and started to go to college classes. Things were improving! I was semi-functional and getting better over a bit more time! Then, I meant the ex who drained a bunch of money from me, gaslit me, and did more than I care to mention here.
This nearly sent me back, and, gave me a problem with alcohol. It was only due to my second ex and some friends that I avoided going back to the way that I was. Still... I find it hard to talk with people. I worry about how I look, what they are doing. I worry that I am spending too much or not enough time. Then, it gets to a point where I have not messaged anyone for so long that the stress just keeps mounting... and I fear messaging them even more. I'm doing my best, but I'll be honest. Sometimes, my best is not enough.
That is my fault, and I apologize for making you feel unwanted, annoying, or anything else. Please, just know that I care for you all; I am not good at actually showing it. Talking to people and doing things with them is fun... but exhausting, as well. I, mentally, can't talk to many people too frequently. I hope to slowly get better, but please have patience and try to understand that I'm just... not the best at communicating.
I hope that this explains things, and that you all will not think too differently of me. I want to be more active and more talkative, and I am trying to be. I just want to reply to talk to be able to talk to people, reply to comments, and interact like a normal person... but my past makes this slow going. I cannot promise that I won't stumble here or there, but, I do really appreciate those of you who have stayed with me, despite my flaws.
There will be stumbles, there always is, but so long as you don't let it consume you, you can always keep progressing.
We'll be here, cheering you on in the meantime! You can do it, I know you can!