FA+
Shop
Seven years...
8 months ago
Has it really been seven years since I last wrote a journal here? Bloody hell, everybody here must think I died...
The truth is I don't feel like I have a life that's worth keeping a journal about, but in light of the recent passing of Dragoneer I thought it best to try and reach out again. This site was my first big gateway into the furry community, after all. I owe the big guy that much.
So what's been going on with me over the last seven years?
Well, the biggest thing was that I lived independently for a couple of years, finally getting out on my own. However, for reasons I don't wish to go into here as they're far too personal, it ultimately didn't work out and I had to move back in with my parents. It taught me some harsh lessons, I've lost several friendships, but ultimately, with time to reflect and with a cooler head, I'm glad I gave it a try at all.
It's been difficult since then, with changes in medication and therapy, and with some pretty dark days, but overall I think I'm finding a better balance within myself. I don't want to go back to being all doom and gloom like I was for a while, even though the world does its best to make me want to end it all. My friends have helped me immensely, the ones who have stuck by me through thick and thin, helped me find a better person within myself, and I cannot thank them all enough.
In case any of them are reading this: it can be hard for me to shake the feeling that I'm only tolerated, like how someone tolerates a chore, but I just want to hug each and every one of you, let you know how much you mean to me.
Another major thing is that I've come to realise I'm genderfluid, something I should have figured out ages ago. There are more and more days where I feel much more strongly that I am a woman rather than a man, yet when I look in the mirror and see this broad-shouldered, hairy, pot-bellied bloke staring back at me it's easy to feel like a complete fraud. So far my big outlet for expressing genderfluidity is through my fursonas, especially Bowsette and - more recently - Leina.
When I saw them both, I cannot express the joy I felt. It felt like I had finally found myself, that I was looking at the real me. Again, my friends have been amazing and fully supportive with this, and I hope one day I can express my genderfluidity - among other things - out in the real world.
For reasons involving my mental health, I stepped away from furry gatherings for years, and I've only just started going back to them. I find them so overwhelming now; it feels like the first time I became part of the community all over again. My autism certainly hasn't helped; if anything, it feels like it's affecting me more than it did when I was younger, and is quite a significant barrier to any attempt I make to socialising. Most of the time at any social gathering I just end up standing around, being silent and hoping someone will talk to me, constantly worrying I come across as a complete creep.
If anyone from them is wondering where I got to, please be patient; it's taking me time to find the balance in my life that means I can go back to meets again.
Similarly with conventions; I haven't been to ConFuzzled since 2018, and even then it felt like it was getting too big for me to be comfortable. I tried registering last year but lost out on the lotto system, and that combined with the increased costs this year have made me wary about trying again. I wanted to give ScotiaCon a shot next year, but I couldn't organise a roommate for the main hotel, and the nearest hotel within reasonable walking distance was fully booked. Maybe big conventions just aren't for me anymore, which is a shame as I do miss being a part of this community.
Oh, and my fursuit now feels quite tight on me, more than it should. I hope I can get a new one someday, as I do miss being a big fluffy animal.
Speaking of being things, I very recently got myself set up with a VR headset, and have been going into VRChat more frequently. I find that this has been an extraordinary boon for my mental health; just looking down, seeing myself in a body that really feels like it's me, gives me such a euphoria, even if it's only for a short time. It wasn't cheap, but I think it's the best investment I've made this year.
That's pretty much it. I still feel like a deadbeat somedays, as my brain can only tolerate so much (I've never been able to secure a full-time job, for instance, and in all likelihood I never will), but I feel like I'm getting to a point where, at least on some days, I can say I'm happy. That's all I ever really want.
In light of recent events, I feel it's more important than ever to hold on to the connections you've made, try to be a part of something better, no matter how small. After all, you never know what's going to happen tomorrow.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. Now go hug a friend or loved one.
The truth is I don't feel like I have a life that's worth keeping a journal about, but in light of the recent passing of Dragoneer I thought it best to try and reach out again. This site was my first big gateway into the furry community, after all. I owe the big guy that much.
So what's been going on with me over the last seven years?
Well, the biggest thing was that I lived independently for a couple of years, finally getting out on my own. However, for reasons I don't wish to go into here as they're far too personal, it ultimately didn't work out and I had to move back in with my parents. It taught me some harsh lessons, I've lost several friendships, but ultimately, with time to reflect and with a cooler head, I'm glad I gave it a try at all.
It's been difficult since then, with changes in medication and therapy, and with some pretty dark days, but overall I think I'm finding a better balance within myself. I don't want to go back to being all doom and gloom like I was for a while, even though the world does its best to make me want to end it all. My friends have helped me immensely, the ones who have stuck by me through thick and thin, helped me find a better person within myself, and I cannot thank them all enough.
In case any of them are reading this: it can be hard for me to shake the feeling that I'm only tolerated, like how someone tolerates a chore, but I just want to hug each and every one of you, let you know how much you mean to me.
Another major thing is that I've come to realise I'm genderfluid, something I should have figured out ages ago. There are more and more days where I feel much more strongly that I am a woman rather than a man, yet when I look in the mirror and see this broad-shouldered, hairy, pot-bellied bloke staring back at me it's easy to feel like a complete fraud. So far my big outlet for expressing genderfluidity is through my fursonas, especially Bowsette and - more recently - Leina.
When I saw them both, I cannot express the joy I felt. It felt like I had finally found myself, that I was looking at the real me. Again, my friends have been amazing and fully supportive with this, and I hope one day I can express my genderfluidity - among other things - out in the real world.
For reasons involving my mental health, I stepped away from furry gatherings for years, and I've only just started going back to them. I find them so overwhelming now; it feels like the first time I became part of the community all over again. My autism certainly hasn't helped; if anything, it feels like it's affecting me more than it did when I was younger, and is quite a significant barrier to any attempt I make to socialising. Most of the time at any social gathering I just end up standing around, being silent and hoping someone will talk to me, constantly worrying I come across as a complete creep.
If anyone from them is wondering where I got to, please be patient; it's taking me time to find the balance in my life that means I can go back to meets again.
Similarly with conventions; I haven't been to ConFuzzled since 2018, and even then it felt like it was getting too big for me to be comfortable. I tried registering last year but lost out on the lotto system, and that combined with the increased costs this year have made me wary about trying again. I wanted to give ScotiaCon a shot next year, but I couldn't organise a roommate for the main hotel, and the nearest hotel within reasonable walking distance was fully booked. Maybe big conventions just aren't for me anymore, which is a shame as I do miss being a part of this community.
Oh, and my fursuit now feels quite tight on me, more than it should. I hope I can get a new one someday, as I do miss being a big fluffy animal.
Speaking of being things, I very recently got myself set up with a VR headset, and have been going into VRChat more frequently. I find that this has been an extraordinary boon for my mental health; just looking down, seeing myself in a body that really feels like it's me, gives me such a euphoria, even if it's only for a short time. It wasn't cheap, but I think it's the best investment I've made this year.
That's pretty much it. I still feel like a deadbeat somedays, as my brain can only tolerate so much (I've never been able to secure a full-time job, for instance, and in all likelihood I never will), but I feel like I'm getting to a point where, at least on some days, I can say I'm happy. That's all I ever really want.
In light of recent events, I feel it's more important than ever to hold on to the connections you've made, try to be a part of something better, no matter how small. After all, you never know what's going to happen tomorrow.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. Now go hug a friend or loved one.
Not once have I ever thought or considered you a bore or a chore. It's been a joy to see where your explorations of self have led you. No regrets whatsoever in having made your online acquaintance years back. 💜👍