Wow.

Simply wow.

I can’t believe it’s been a year.

So much has happened and I wish you were here so that I could tell you about.. well, everything…

As far as how I act in person, I’m really not an emotional person. Two things have happened in the past year that have genuinely made me cry and feel like I really, like there was something that was actually and genuinely wrong.

The first was exactly a year ago. The loss of one of the people who I held closest, who I do not think I could lie to. Not because I couldn’t but because there would be no situation in which honesty would not be my best option. I knew if I said something mean or rude it would be fine because honesty is what you want from a friend that close.

I don’t express it that much, but I don’t think I’ve gone a week without thinking about you, At first it was every day, and it was a terrible trembling feeling, but eventually I think I came to terms with it and just kind of reflected and had to take a step away to at the very least, remember you.

I’ve always said to people who were grieving that the deceased indivudal truly never “died” so long as they were remembered in the thoughts of those who knew them, and I do not think this could be more true than in the case of you. I think that because I never met you in person you remained just a personality, something strong and stubborn, maybe even as stubborn as I think I am.

..I didn’t expect to be tearing up while writing this, but hey I guess that happens with heavy topics like these, so I’ll try to move on to the lighter and better subjects.

The people I’ve met. Shortly after you passed, and there were people grieving I remember telling whoever I could that you wouldn’t have wanted them to be sad. You would have wanted people to help make others feel better, and so I tried my best. I reached out to people who I felt were hit worse by your passing than me and I think that level of comfort never really spread as much as I hoped it would. I’ll try to continue keeping things positive on this year and any anniversary that comes in the future.

I’ve made so many friends over the past year. I.. The people I’ve met just in passing when talking about you are great. The people who I call my friends who knew you, whether I met them through you or just happened that we both knew you; those people are how I’m going to remember you.

Even if I alone can’t carry on your memory, I hope to be able to share your memories with friends, maybe even eventually to people who had never met you just to show how much you meant to me and the community.

This day will always be a bittersweet one for me.
This day is the anniversary of life for one extremely close friend, and death for another.
I don’t know how to react, honestly.

I want to be all out and excited to celebrate Zinky’s birthday
I want to be thoughtful and reflective in memory of Sesame.

I want to look to the future, to new beginnings and extensions of relationships currently held.
I want to look back on the past, to relive the moments that have made me who I am today.

But we can’t get caught up on looking behind us, it’ll stop us from seeing where we’re going in the future.



...I still can’t believe it’s been a whole year.
I love you, man. And I miss you so much still.