FA+
Shop
Single file lines - 4 years in the fandom.
7 years ago
I've been in the fandom for four years, and I think its about time I should really tell you a story on how life was for me.
I grew up in a Christian home under a single Mom who didn't have a lot of money, I was the first born of my other two siblings who would be born in between 5 years later. She graduated in college as a nurse when I was in middle school, and was a devout mother, under God, she would put us through school and make us have the best lives we could possibly have and if we did everything that was considered "good, decent and pure" we would have the happiest of lives.
However, she went to a church that was extremely conservative and took us along to it, making a strict life conveyor belt in our house.
Every day or night we would have devotionals, if we got in trouble we'd have to write scriptures as standards over and over, we had the Bible argued at us when we did something horrific.
Church was no better. We were forced to participate in classes that we never learned in almost like Sunday school, driving in cars was stuck to members of the same sex to make sure that nothing of intimacy or sexual nature was taking place, I was not allowed to date outside the convents of the church, I even got a talking to for saying that a girl looked pretty as a compliment (before I knew I was gay, because at that point I didn't know), it was a very controlling environment.
Sex was also a thing that was considered especially scary. Sex was only to be used for procreation, you were not allowed to have outside sex, before or after marriage for mere pleasure. Masturbation/pornography, or anything outside of missionary position in sex was considered sexual impurity. And homosexuality was considered a big no-no, so I just figured, "Well okay, as long as I don't do any of these things, I'll be truly happy." And God won't send me to hell, or so I thought.
But as I entered the fandom my true integrity was being questioned because at that point, I thought I knew everything of what being right was as opposed to being happy was. My rightness was justifying other peoples happiness. And when the true colors began leaking out, my true self was beginning to unravel.
Unsatisfied, at age 21, I left the church quietly, because I felt like I couldn't be myself if I continued staying there and things were not adding up, I have not been to church in more almost 4 years now.
Life is different now. I'm in a community where sexuality is extremely open, pictures of naked animals drawn on paper are considered the norm as well as titillating to most (including myself). There's a lot more drinking, way more than I have seen. There's no lid, no barrier, nothing getting in the way of people wanting to be happy by any means necessary, even if it means being disobedient to what a parent tells you not to do.
And I'm sad. I'm sad that all I ever known to be true was a lie. I'm sad that I grew up in a controlling environment where I could not spread my wings and life had to be in a set pattern. I'm sad that I had to leave a lot of really good friends in an environment where sex is not heavily talked about unless for bad reasons. I'm sad that I was led to believe that life would be in a set path when every person has their own battle and even journey they're walking in life.
Better late than never? Sure. But this has been the toughest journey I have ever had to push myself to get to know a lot of people I had no intention of really knowing and so many friends in the fandom want to help me.
The fandom, while maybe not financially, has provided me stability both emotionally and mentally. I've been in a transitional period as a man, and its been certainly one long strange journey to finally go through.
I go to therapy with a therapist who wants to challenge some of the preconceived notions I have on people, as well as talk to many friends online who love me for the person I'm becoming, rather than the person I want myself to be.
I once thought friends couldn't replace family, because they don't necessarily provide the stability as family members go, but that doesn't mean they can't help, because they can. I was a lucky one to get out before it was too late.
There isn't a day that goes by where I miss going to church, and singing and listening to the pastor's sermon, I grew up with being religious and its part of me just as my sexuality is a part of me, and I've been integrating those parts as best as I can.
To anyone reading this who is struggling with wanting answers: taking it one day at a time is all you can do.
I grew up in a Christian home under a single Mom who didn't have a lot of money, I was the first born of my other two siblings who would be born in between 5 years later. She graduated in college as a nurse when I was in middle school, and was a devout mother, under God, she would put us through school and make us have the best lives we could possibly have and if we did everything that was considered "good, decent and pure" we would have the happiest of lives.
However, she went to a church that was extremely conservative and took us along to it, making a strict life conveyor belt in our house.
Every day or night we would have devotionals, if we got in trouble we'd have to write scriptures as standards over and over, we had the Bible argued at us when we did something horrific.
Church was no better. We were forced to participate in classes that we never learned in almost like Sunday school, driving in cars was stuck to members of the same sex to make sure that nothing of intimacy or sexual nature was taking place, I was not allowed to date outside the convents of the church, I even got a talking to for saying that a girl looked pretty as a compliment (before I knew I was gay, because at that point I didn't know), it was a very controlling environment.
Sex was also a thing that was considered especially scary. Sex was only to be used for procreation, you were not allowed to have outside sex, before or after marriage for mere pleasure. Masturbation/pornography, or anything outside of missionary position in sex was considered sexual impurity. And homosexuality was considered a big no-no, so I just figured, "Well okay, as long as I don't do any of these things, I'll be truly happy." And God won't send me to hell, or so I thought.
But as I entered the fandom my true integrity was being questioned because at that point, I thought I knew everything of what being right was as opposed to being happy was. My rightness was justifying other peoples happiness. And when the true colors began leaking out, my true self was beginning to unravel.
Unsatisfied, at age 21, I left the church quietly, because I felt like I couldn't be myself if I continued staying there and things were not adding up, I have not been to church in more almost 4 years now.
Life is different now. I'm in a community where sexuality is extremely open, pictures of naked animals drawn on paper are considered the norm as well as titillating to most (including myself). There's a lot more drinking, way more than I have seen. There's no lid, no barrier, nothing getting in the way of people wanting to be happy by any means necessary, even if it means being disobedient to what a parent tells you not to do.
And I'm sad. I'm sad that all I ever known to be true was a lie. I'm sad that I grew up in a controlling environment where I could not spread my wings and life had to be in a set pattern. I'm sad that I had to leave a lot of really good friends in an environment where sex is not heavily talked about unless for bad reasons. I'm sad that I was led to believe that life would be in a set path when every person has their own battle and even journey they're walking in life.
Better late than never? Sure. But this has been the toughest journey I have ever had to push myself to get to know a lot of people I had no intention of really knowing and so many friends in the fandom want to help me.
The fandom, while maybe not financially, has provided me stability both emotionally and mentally. I've been in a transitional period as a man, and its been certainly one long strange journey to finally go through.
I go to therapy with a therapist who wants to challenge some of the preconceived notions I have on people, as well as talk to many friends online who love me for the person I'm becoming, rather than the person I want myself to be.
I once thought friends couldn't replace family, because they don't necessarily provide the stability as family members go, but that doesn't mean they can't help, because they can. I was a lucky one to get out before it was too late.
There isn't a day that goes by where I miss going to church, and singing and listening to the pastor's sermon, I grew up with being religious and its part of me just as my sexuality is a part of me, and I've been integrating those parts as best as I can.
To anyone reading this who is struggling with wanting answers: taking it one day at a time is all you can do.
it's a shame you had to grow up in an environment like that, though i'm glad the fandom has been able to help.